about grief

Source: Vitality, 1996, 1(3)

She sits with the phone hanging limply off her finger. Your son is dead. Hit by a car. Hit by a car. She strains to make sense of the words. "What's wrong, Mummy? What's wrong?" She looks blankly at her daughter. "Mummy?" "Daddy, Daddy," her daughter runs shrieking up the stairs, "something's wrong with Mummy."

The Germans have a word, schmerz, to describe the physical and emotional pain we suffer when we face a major loss. A friend dies after a long fight with cancer. A family dog is put down. You suffer a miscarriage, lose a leg, lose your hearing. Your marriage breaks up. We fear serious loss. When will it happen? How will it affect me? Will I survive it?

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. It is an exhausting process that robs us of both physical and emotional energy. Everything feels so raw, so painful. We are surprised at the depth of our grief, at the toll it takes on our bodies.

This grief, however, is what we need to let go. It is what we need to rebuild ourselves for the future.

There is no one formula for grief. Who we are drives how we grieve. What is our temperament? What is happening in our lives? What does our culture expect from us? What else have we lost? How did we deal with it? Fresh grief reminds us of past disappointments. 'He wasn't there for me then, I doubt he'll care now.'

As we muddle through, we can't be forced into some predictable time schedule. 'You should be feeling better by now.' We can't easily compare our grief to others.

We can, however, expect to go through some common reactions. When we are grieving, we will usually be dejected. We may replay the image of a lost person over and over in our heads. As we leaf through our memories, we may lose interest in the outside world. The avid jogger may lie listless on the couch. The musician may refuse to play a note. We can find ourselves burdened with tremendous guilt — guilty that we didn't die, guilty that we couldn't protect the person who did.

We may feel intensely angry, out of control. We may feel panic, great fear of being alone. We may start to idealize the person or relationship that we lost. We may start to take on some of their personal qualities or physical symptoms. We may experience a racing heart, weight loss, sleeplessness, weakness, a 'hollow' stomach, a 'tight' chest.

John Bowlby, a psychologist, labels the first stage of grief Numbness. This is shock, disbelief. 'I don't feel anything,' we may berate ourselves. 'It didn't happen. I don't believe it.'

Bowlby's second stage is Searching & Yearning. At this point, we are making intense efforts to revive the dead relationship, to be reunited with the dead person. We may call the person's name, think we see him. We feel irritable, tense, tearful. We may plead and bargain with God. 'If you bring her back to me, I will devote my life to helping other people.'

In the third stage, Disorganization & Despair, we gradually give up the search for what we have lost. Dejection sets in. We are not interested in looking to the future; we don't see a lot of purpose in life. We may feel sudden, overwhelming shots of grief. We may worry that we are losing touch with reality.

In the fourth stage, Reorganization, we slowly start to sever our strong attachment to what we have lost. We can be reminded of a person without feeling as if we will crumble. We don't forget, but we can carry on. We gradually develop more enthusiasm for life. It can take a year to reach the Reorganization stage.

Some grief symptoms may linger. People who can't face their grief stay locked in one stage for years and years. It can seem unbearable, inhumane to suffer through months and months of difficult grief. It is only natural to seek relief, but where? We may turn to family and friends. If we are lucky, we find the support we need.

Often, however, people don't know what to do. Some stay away. 'I don't want to bother him.' Some have unrealistic expectations. 'It's been two months, why isn't she getting any better?' Some have little tolerance for unusual behaviour. 'I've done so much, why is he yelling at me?' Some are uncomfortable with intense feelings. They may be running from their own fears or unresolved losses. As our feelings erupt, we may feel compelled to 'get ourselves under control'. As Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Luvox become more commonplace, it is natural to think of medication. 'I'm depressed, probably more depressed than I've ever been in my life: why not see if antidepressants can help?'

With normal grief, however, drugs may not be the answer. As Dr. Therese Rando, a psychologist specializing in grief, says: 'Drugs that are calming or anesthetizing are nontherapeutic in that they keep the griever from experiencing the pain and realizing the loss that ultimately has to be faced.'

Dr. Bob Wilson, President of Wilson Banwell, adds: 'Of the variety of ways to manage and cope with grief, medication is the least effective for most people.' Recent psychiatric studies show that antidepressants indeed can blunt the grieving process. They can stop us from feeling the emotions we need to feel to recover. When we go off the drugs, we then experience a resurgence of the guilt emotions. These guilt emotions serve a purpose. As we sadly plow through our memories, for instance, we gradually come to terms with our loss. We need to experience these emotions in order to work ourselves towards Reorganization and recovery.

Antidepressants can just delay our grief. By the time we are off the drugs and ready to grieve, our friends and family have moved on. There are, however, a minority of people who suffer serious, clinical depression on top of their grief. How do they differ? Dr. Allan Buchanan, a psychiatrist, explains: 'They will have serious rather than fleeting thoughts of suicide. They will feel worthless; their self-esteem will be seriously affected. This is not part of the normal grief process.' The clinically depressed, along with those who have attempted suicide before and those with past or current psychological disorders, will want to consult a professional after a major loss.

For a select few, medication and therapy might be the answer. What about the rest of us? It is important to seek support — from family, friends, counsellors, whoever will help. Above all, it is critical that we allow ourselves time to grieve.