article: Meeting on the internet
Source: Vitality, 1997, 2(2)
A lonely child sits quietly on the grass. The books are read; the television watched; the parents busy. New to town, the boy has yet to find any real friends. He can hear kids laughing down the street. The same kids who laughed at his accent just last week. Three blocks away, a retired librarian is spending yet another day alone. Most of her friends have moved or stopped calling. She finds herself writing endless letters to distant relatives. Many go unanswered, but they fill the time. Loneliness gnaws at those who are isolated, bored or estranged.
For children and adults alike, the Internet offers new opportunities to connect with others in the neighbourhood, across the city, around the world. The Net has not yet "radically changed the way we relate," as some predicted. It has, however, brought likely and unlikely people together. Millions now use the Net daily. This year marked the sixth run of the Internet Users Survey. Almost half of 15,000 respondents said that they feel more connected to people who share their interests since coming on-line.
How do people meet on the Net? Through chat rooms, bulletin boards, interactive games, newsgroups. Some are even able to talk 'live' over the computer. Children can easily reach pen-pals in Germany, China, the West Indies. Innovative social programs have introduced underprivileged children to top-level mentors and teachers. Older users can visit general meeting sites. "Welcome to the Coffee Shop", says one, "Here you can relax, meet new Friends, have a cup of Cybercoffee and visit with old acquaintances." You can join Special Interest Groups and chat about almost any topic - bats, lipstick, nuclear physics.
There is obviously a lot to be gained from Net relationships matched interests, broadened experience, emotional expression, support. Ask people what they like about meeting on the Net and they add: "secrecy, anonymity, control, intellectual engagement and 24 hour access."
One must be wary, however, of these on-line liasions. As the intensity of Net relationships grow, so do the hazards. Nowhere are these problems more obvious than in on-line romances. There are success stories.
"Things are often spoke and seldom meant," says Shakespeare. Much of our conversational understanding, then, comes from nonverbal cues - tone of voice, stance, facial expression. With its interactive format, Internet gives the illusion of full communication, but it is not. Net users have tried to address this with emoticons, a form of e-language designed to help convey emotion. They include symbols like :-) , to mean a smile or @-->-->-- to signify a long-stemmed rose. A start, of course, but hardly full-blown communication. We still do not have all the information we need to decipher what our on-line partners are really saying. We see what we expect to see. We infer feeling that isn't really there. Our emotions escalate. "This could be it." What, then, if the on-line love suddenly stops writing? This can be far more traumatic than a breakup after a couple of dates. Our expectations were so high. We saw little contrary evidence. This was totally unexpected.
Premature disclosure is another problem with many on-line romances. It is one thing to be more open. It is another to disclose too much too soon. On the Net, we don't have all the interpersonal cues that might stop us pre- or mid-disclosure the horrified grimace, the bored stare. We might find ourselves telling others things that we later discover they have gleefully passed on to others. Some have discovered that they were dealing with Net predators - criminals, con artists, cult figures. We can be too quick to make ourselves vulnerable to little-known others on the Net.
In one U.S. survey, 28% of respondents said that their Internet romances had become their primary social activity. This alerts us to one of the greatest dangers of on-line romances-they can detach us from reality. Some start to neglect their work, their families, their children. We can exacerbate real-life problems by retreating to seemingly safer Net relationships. Psychologists are seeing more clients who run into trouble comparing on-line and other relationships. "My spouse is such a jerk. My Net partner would never do something like that." The Net partner is idealized. The real spouse looks inferior in comparison. People are divorcing real partners for fantasy partners who are far worse or nonexistent. Some of these divorces might have happened anyway. Others, however, were clearly mistakes. "I got caught up in it and now my life is destroyed."
Is it all doom and gloom for Net relationships? Of course not. What can we do, however, to protect ourselves and build genuine alliances?